Quotes and chants of the Game – Sept.5th, 2008

“Ronaldo has said he wants to play for the biggest club in the world, so we will see in January if he is serious.”
Dr Sulaiman Al Fahim, front man for Manchester City’s new Middle East owners the Abu Dhabi United Group, stirs things up by suggesting City will make a £135m bid for Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo.

“I’ve got more respect for Ferguson than anyone else in the game. He’s like a Scouser, really. He’s funny, doesn’t mind telling people to **** off, and he even votes Labour. I love him.”
Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher declares his love for Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.

“We have sold Robinho for reasons of human nature. The fact is we have accepted an offer from Manchester City and that he is not going for sporting reasons.”
Real Madrid president Roman Calderon suggests Robinho’s record-breaking £32m move to Eastlands was not just about football.

“I was watching a TV programme about accents the other day where they said the Birmingham dialect was the most difficult to understand, so I couldn’t make out what they were saying.”
Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez’s retort after being asked if he was surprised by the abuse he received at Villa Park.

“Clubs like ours can’t afford to go bananas in the transfer market. Our wage bill is quite high for a football club of this standing and we can’t get in 10 Johan Elmanders because they’re very expensive to buy and very expensive to run.”
Bolton boss Gary Megson counts the cost of £9m Swedish striker Elmander injuring a hamstring in his second game for the Trotters.
“When I saw Lazio celebrating as if they had won the World Cup, I thought ‘That won’t happen again’.”
Sir Alex Ferguson recalls Manchester United’s Super Cup loss to Lazio in 1999 just before United suffer a 2-1 defeat to Zenit St Petersburg in the same competition.

“We won’t be able to shut him up when he comes back to us. But then again, there’s no change there.”
Fulham first-team coach Ray Lewington predicts there will be no peace and quiet at the training ground when Jimmy Bullard returns from international duty with England.

“Sorry about the noise. It’s caused by a fat man with a bald head doing something that can only loosely be called singing.”
BBC Radio Manchester’s Jack Dearden commentating near a loud fan.

Shaun Wright-Phillips
“It was great to come back and score two goals at the place I call home.”
Winger Shaun Wright-Philips after scoring a brace on his Manchester City return at…the Stadium of Light.

“Liverpool have not played and they have won three games. It’s amazing.”
Lawro’s predictions.
CHANTS OF THE WEEK

“Are you England in disguise?”
Arsenal fans as Steve McClaren’s FC Twente suffer a 4-0 defeat at the Emirates Stadium.

“Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim-cheru who needs Sol Campbell when we’ve got Shittu.”
Bolton fans serenade defender Danny Shittu to the tune of Mary Poppins’ Chim Chim Cheree.

“We’ve got more points than you.”
Hull City fans to Wigan supporters who were celebrating a 5-0 win at the KC Stadium.

Quotes of the 2007-08 Season

“That wife of mine just bullies me, She throws me out of the door at seven o’clock every morning! So that’s a definite no. Oh no, I dare not risk the wrath of that lass from the Gorbals.”
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson claims that it’s his wife Cathy who stops him from retiring as he wins his latest Premier League title.
“I am not ‘the Special One’. I’m the normal one. But my wife says I am special…”
Avram Grant has them rolling in the aisles in his first press conference as Chelsea manager. What is it with managers and their wives?
“My players travel more than Phileas Fogg in ‘Around The World In 80 Days’. Javier Mascherano had to play a friendly for Argentina in Australia. That must have been really important.”
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez reveals his love of international football.
“I’m ready to take the blame for all the problems of English football, if that is what he wants.”
The handbags come out early doors when Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger responds to Ferguson’s dig about the Gunners’ foreign contingent.
“If Chelsea are naive and pure then I’m Little Red Riding Hood.”
Benitez agrees to disagree with Jose Mourinho’s claims that Chelsea are whiter than white.
“It was the fifth minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time.”
Ferguson takes exception to Arsenal’s late, late equaliser against Aston Villa.

“It is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs.
“In the supermarket, some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”
Do you really need to ask?…Jose Mourinho
“I can’t say we are the best in England but I don’t think there is a team stronger than us.”
Avram indulges us with a nice line in doublespeak.
“I haven’t seen that. I don’t know anything about it. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Wenger amazingly misses the on-field spat between Arsenal team-mates Emmanuel Adebayor and Nicklas Bendtner, witnessed by the rest of the universe.
“As always I am focused on training and coaching my team.” Benitez’s statement – repeated at least 10 times during a press conference – after Liverpool’s owners tell him to stop criticising their transfer policy.
“The fire is always ready but now it looks as though you are burned on the village green quicker than ever before.”
Wenger gets fired-up about the number of managers getting the boot.
“I think if we win and Arsenal and Chelsea lose, it will be a good day!”
Fergie hopes for a miracle result when the Gunners visit Stamford Bridge.
“It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty.”
Man Utd assistant boss Carlos Queiroz keeps things in perspective after Cristiano Ronaldo’s penalty appeal is turned down in the 2-1 defeat by Chelsea.
MANAGERS’ SPECIALS
“They searched the house and took a computer away that I bought my wife two years ago – I think she learnt to turn it on four weeks ago.”
Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp comes over all PC after laying into police who raided his home during a ‘football corruption’ investigation.
“I don’t want to comment on who or what will take over my job at Newcastle.”
Former Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce, clearly not bitter about getting the old heave-ho.
“I am sure we will see pictures of Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won’t be a pretty sight.”
Wigan boss Steve Bruce speculates on where Big Sam will pop up next… no-one wants to see that.
“I’ve got more points on my driving licence.”
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side’s meagre total.
“Once Ashley puts some weight on he will be fantastic. At the moment he’s about three-and-a-half stone – a couple of times we have put him through the letterbox!”
Aston Villa boss Martin O’Neill on what striker Ashley Young needs to keep on delivering.
“I saw the celebration. Superman – super goal.”
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson on cheeky Stephen Ireland flashing his Superman pants after scoring against Sunderland.
“I was excited and it takes a lot to get me excited… ask my wife.”
Roy Keane is so excited – and he just couldn’t hide it – after Sunderland’s opening day win over Spurs.
“If you took the goals out of it, I think it was pretty even.”
West Ham boss Alan Curbishley on the unlucky 4-0 hammering by Chelsea.
“Even the chef’s been out for two weeks with a hernia.”
Curbishley bemoans his side’s luck with injury.
“People said I was pitting my wits against Sir Alex Ferguson, but it is like using a water pistol to take on a machine gun.”
Birmingham manager Alex McLeish on dodging bullets at Old Trafford.
THE RETURN OF THE MESSIAH
“It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan.”
After beating Fulham to earn his first win back on Tyneside.
“The only way we will get into Europe is by ferry!”
KK quickly realises it isn’t going to be plain sailing.

“We don’t have to play them every week, although it seems like we have this week.”
After Newcastle’s second defeat in a week against Arsenal.
“The match for them is a bit like people down south going to the theatre. They want to be entertained.”
Keegan on the Geordies’ passion for football, before putting on Much Ado About Nothing in his first game at St James’ Park.
THE WONDER OF RONALDO
“He’s six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him.”
Leicester manager Ian Holloway searches for a chink in the armour of the Portuguese superstar.
“He’s six-foot two, brave as a lion, strong as an ox and quick as lightning. If he was good looking, you’d say he has everything.”
The Adonis that is Paul Jewell gives his version.
“The one thing Cristiano Ronaldo has is pace, quick feet and a great eye for goal.”
Chris Waddle pays his own unique tribute.
“I don’t like to look like this, but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again.”
Ronaldo may have suffered a black eye against Roma, but thankfully his ego remains unbruised.

BEST OF THE REST
“Gary Neville is the club captain but has been injured for the best part of a year now – and Giggsy’s taken on the mantelpiece.”
Rio Ferdinand was clearly having a hearth while describing the Man Utd captaincy
“I must admit I suffered a bit when I first came to England. But then I realised that there was nothing to be intimidated by, everybody had two legs.”
Liverpool midfielder Lucas had clearly been watching too many League of Gentlemen episodes before heading over from Brazil.

“Over ‘ere – on me ‘fro, son!”
“Sometimes on a day off I go to the doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it’s like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars – it’s like a disco!”
Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas turns into Homer Simpson. Have you ever been to a doughnut party? Me neither…
“Nothing surprises me in football, but if I said I was astounded that would be an understatement.”
Ray Wilkins on Jose Mourinho’s departure from Chelsea.

“If we’re talking lookalikes, he’s Toad of Toad Hall, isn’t he?”
Ian Holloway on Chelsea boss Avram Grant
“I think it’s fair to say we’re an improving team and a team that’s getting better.”
Everton skipper Phil Neville, who also feels his side have come on leaps and bounds.

“You probably think I’m Kenny Sansom!”
Little Britain star Matt Lucas on meeting Arsene Wenger, after the Frenchman admitted he had never seen the show.
“Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over.”
Graham Taylor commentating on BBC Radio 5 Live.

“I don’t know where Carlos keeps the dummy. He produces it from nowhere.”
Manchester United midfielder Michael Carrick on Carlos Tevez’s goal-celebration prop. Three guesses, Michael.
“I don’t follow football, I just love the name Aston Villa. What suburb of Rome is Aston Villa from?”
Actor Tom Hanks on why he’s a Villain at heart.
“We’re moving up the table now which is hopefully the right direction.”
Tottenham keeper Paul Robinson shows he’s grasped the basics after Spurs beat Portsmouth.

“We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more.”
Ryan Giggs after Manchester United’s 2-0 win over Fulham.
“Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin.”
Peter Crouch’s honest assessment of himself.

Quotes and chants of the Game…(May 7th, 2008)

“I think it’s very, very nice.”
The ever self-effacing Sven on the overwhelming support from the City faithful, who sung his name throughout their 1-0 defeat to Liverpool.

“There’s only one ‘Special One’.”
Avram Grant cannot resist a little dig after out-specialing Jose Mourinho by taking Chelsea to their first-ever Champions League final.

“If Mourinho was here I don’t think he could have done any better.”
Poor Jose is getting it from all corners as Brian Laws enthuses about keeping Sheffield Wednesday up in the Championship after a 4-1 thrashing of Norwich.

“If he wants me to stay on my feet, maybe he should tell his defenders to stop hitting me.”
Didier Drogba hits back at Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez’s so-called dossier on his penchant for diving after helping Chelsea knock their Premier League rivals out of the Champions League.

“Technically he is the worst player I have ever seen in my life – and he knows it. He has no skill at all. We all have more skill than him.”
Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy welcomes Robbie Savage back to Ewood Park with open arms.

“He’s just played his 100th game, but he was here last time I was, which was 1936, so he must be about 50 now.”
Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan on Liverpool’s interest in goalkeeper Steve Harper. Nice maths there, Kev…

“I don’t have a preference who wins the title. The best team usually win – except the time when we lost it. That time the best team came second.”
Keegan again, this time reminiscing on the vintage Newcastle team which clutched Premier League defeat from the jaws of victory in 1996.

Matt le Tissier: “And Southampton have got all 11 men in their own box now!”
Jeff Stelling: “Well that’ll be a bit tricky considering they’ve only got 10 men.”
Former Saints favourite Le Tiss gets a little too emotionally involved for Sky Sports, watching Southampton’s 3-2 thriller over Sheffield United – forgetting Stern John had been sent off earlier.

“Its a case of squeaky Brum time.”
Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker on Birmingham’s relegation plight.

“And Brian McBride scores a powerful header with his head!”
The one and only Chris ‘Candid’ Kamara on Sky Sports after Fulham go 1-0 up against Birmingham.

“Being Scottish, I’m gutted. I’ve paid for a hotel room that I am never going to see.”
A Rangers fan tells BBC Radio One about his impending all-night celebrations in Florence.

“I don’t think United should push for a second.”
ITV co-commentator David Pleat in the 86th minute of the Barca game. That’s how you become a professional manager then.

“Every clearance worth its weight in gold.”
ITV commentator Clive Tyldsley in the Manchester United v Barcelona game. Just how much does a clearance weigh then Clive?

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

Manchester City fans singing to the tune of Pink Floyd’s “The wall”:
“We don’t need no Phil Scolari,
“We don’t need Mourinho,
“Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!”

To the tune of “Santa Claus is coming to town”:
“You better watch out,
“You better beware,
“He’s good on the ground and he’s good in the air,
“Santa Cruz is coming to town.”

Dagenham & Redbridge fans to manager John Still after he substituted midfielder Glen Southam for Sam Sloma at 2-0 down:
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”

Same fans to Still after Sloma scored one of the Daggers’ goals in the 3-2 victory to avoid relegation:
“You do know what you’re doing!” (Ian Gorsuch)

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

“Will the fat kid please get off the pitch.”
Stadium announcer after the Stockport v Brentford game.

“Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV.”
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham, more or less guaranteeing relegation.

“Couldn’t you all do this in the car park?”
Swansea City stadium announcement after their 4-1 win over Leyton Orient, prompting fans to invade the pitch in sheer delight.

Quotes and chants of the Game – April 8th, 2008

“Will I be sitting down with the owner tonight? I don’t think it will be tonight. The owner will be going down the town to have a few!”
Three wins on the spin for Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle won’t get him an audience with Mike Ashley while there is beer to be drunk.

“With all the movement we’ve got up front, we need someone to stand still… and Mark’s that man!”
Keegan practically orders Mark Viduka to keep eating the pies.

“I looked at the bloke and thought ‘Die! Pass out! Anything!’”
Cardiff boss Dave Jones puts the hex on Barnsley’s Kaode Odejayi, who fluffed a glorious chance to level the FA Cup semi-final for Barnsley when clean through.

“He’s six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!”
Ian Holloway searches for a chink in the armour of Cristiano Ronaldo in his BBC column.

“It was never a penalty – but it was close.”
Liverpool striker Dirk Kuyt is convinced wrestling your opponent in the box does not merit a spot-kick, following the incident with Arsenal’s Alexander Hleb in the Champions League quarter-final.

“If we played another game straight afterwards, he would still be running.”
Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez hails Kuyt the Duracell bunny after the game.

“As long as we are successful on the pitch, then I will be here – unless Manchester United put in a call. But I don’t think Sir Alex Ferguson is planning to step down just yet!”
MK Dons boss Paul Ince is going nowhere… yet.

“Despite the fact that he is a great champion, he is very arrogant. He does certain spiteful things on the pitch.”
Roma midfielder David Pizarro puts the boot into Cristiano Ronaldo for having the gall to inspire Man Utd to a 2-0 win in the Champions League.

“There are two choices now; either the white flag goes up or the sleeves go up.”
Bolton manager Gary Megson.

“You have to win the title here. The fans will not accept failure. If you lose, everybody cries for seven days; if you win, they carry you on their hands.”
Fenerbahce’s Mateja Kezman on the ups and downs of playing in Turkey.

“If you want to go to the big party, you have to buy an expensive coat!”
RTE Television’s Eamon Dunphy on Arsenal not splashing the cash!

“We’ve been ******* awful!”
Paul Jewell on Derby’s season. Tell us something we don’t know, Paul!

“I don’t know if it was a good bad one, or a bad good one.”
David Pleat during the Roma-Manchester United game.

“If the referee stands by that decision, I have two wooden legs. I will be seeing this ref again in my dreams – and I won’t be kissing him!”
Leicester boss Ian Holloway – not a happy chappie after skipper Patrick Kisnorbo was sent off 10 minutes into their game with Sheffield United. The Blades went on to win 3-0.

“We can’t say we’re safe until we’re mathematically safe. We have a nice easy game next week… at Chelsea!”
Wigan manager Steve Bruce after defeating old club Birmingham to almost guarantee Premier League football next season.

“Allow me to grieve for the result in a dignified way and get out of here before I say something that makes me look like an idiot.”
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson after the 3-1 defeat by Sunderland. (Sarah Hodges, UK).

“Paul McKenna’s taking this corner – although you’d have to be a mind-reader to work it out!”
ITV commentator on Preston’s hypnotic midfielder taking a set-piece. Viewers were not able to see McKenna because of the tight camera angles at QPR’s Loftus Road.

“He burgularises the penalty area!”
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson on Wes Sneijder’s goal for Real Madrid.

“Safety standards at Field Mill are amongst the best in the country, if not the whole Football League.”
Mansfield Town Chief Executive Stephen Booth. Could somebody point out how the best in the whole Football League could supercede being the best in the country?

“Horses are human beings…”
AP McCoy on BBC’s Inside Sport.

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

“When we find ourselves in times of trouble,
Kevin Keegan comes to me.
Speaking words of wisdom, Geremi!
Geremi, Geremi, Geremi, Geremi.
There will be an answer.
Geremi!”
Newcastle fans to the tune of The Beatles’ Let It Be.

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

“Four additional bottom-twitching minutes.”
A nervous stadium announcer at Priestfield Stadium for Gillingham v Luton.

Quotes and chants of the game…(April 1st, ‘08)

“Gary Neville is the club captain but has been injured for the best part of a year now – and Giggsy’s taken on the mantlepiece.”
Rio Ferdinand is clearly having a hearth while describing the Man Utd captaincy.

“Dirk Kuyt is earning himself the reputation as Anfield’s Prince Harry – in the frontline for three months and no-one knows anything about it.”
Sun journalist Phil Thomas on Liverpool’s non-flying Dutchman.

“The Maradona DVD was put on and it was a bit of a relief to be honest as I was sick and tired of seeing people killing each other.”
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy is glad Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels has been replaced on the team-coach DVD player.

“I’m actually quite happy because I have seen improvements.”
Fabio Capello turns into Comical Ali after England’s awful display against France.

“How many good singers are there in the bath, where they’re on their own? I’m magnificent, but put me in front of one or two people and I shrivel up.”
The brilliant Bristol City boss Gary Johnson.

“This is great play by PSV.”
Setanta commentator during NAC Breda v Feyenoord.

“It’s a big goal for West Ham. Alan Curbishley would have fancied a couple of points from this game at the very least.”
Pundit Gary Richards on Fox Soccer Super Sunday Plus show.

“Matt Le Tissier was a super striker of the ball, but he never played for a big club. If he had, we’d be talking about him as a super striker of the ball.”
Graeme Souness (didn’t he just say that?!)

“We’ve got six games left – two at home and three away.”
Chris Coleman in his post-match interview after beating Plymouth. Where is the other game taking place, Chris?

“I don’t care what you say… Arsenal have made a Bramble of Titus proportions at the Reebok.”
jpalongo on 606. Classic.

“We have scored 101 goals this season. Not bad considering we don’t play with any strikers.”
Walter Smith on Rangers’ alleged ‘anti-football’.

“When someone arrives in a new business, everybody says this is the new blood to suck. There is nothing to suck here. We don’t have blood.”
Chairman Flavio Briatore explaining why he will not be splashing the money on QPR.

“It was a successful failure.”
Kenny Miller looks back on Scotland’s Euro 2008 qualifying campaign.

“Ashley Cole has attempted to get down the outside on numerous occasions, and he’s got to be careful he doesn’t tire himself out and actually kill himself.”
Ray Wilkins on Cole’s deadly overlapping down the left for England.

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

“There’s only one Tina Turner!”
Nottingham Forest fans to Doncaster goal-machine Jason Price and his big hair.

“Premier League, you’re having a laugh.”
Sheffield Wednesday fans to Stoke.

“Championship, you’re having a laugh!”
Stoke fans respond.

“You’re Camp and you know you are!”
Ipswich fans to QPR goalkeeper Lee Camp.

“Ben Sahar, Sahar
He came to us from afar
He’s better than Louis Saha
Ben Sahar, Sahar.”
Sung by Sheffield Wednesday fans to loan signing Ben Sahar.

“You’re just a small town in nowhere.”
Bury fans singing to Shrewsbury counterparts.

“Paul Scally’s Scumbag Army!”
Gillingham fans after the chairman referred to fans as scumbags in a radio interview!

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

“His wife always dreamed of a hunky fireman, but all she got was a chunky tyre-man.”
Announcer at Man Utd-Villa, introducing one of the participants in the half-time penalty shoot-out.

“And in the Championship, West Brom 0-2 Colchester.” (Boos ring around stadium)…
“Don’t worry they are still going down…”
Reading out the half-time scores during Southend’s home game v Walsall.

“The attendance is 12,995. Thank you – and remember, no-one loves you or your money more than Cardiff City Football Club.”
Ninian Park announcer.

BANNER OF THE WEEK

“Everton FC welcome all Liverpool fans to Merseyside.”
Spotted at the Merseyside derby.

Quotes and chants of the game…(March 26th, ‘08)

Quotes of the Game

“I think if we win and Arsenal and Chelsea lose, it will be a good day!”
Sir Alex Ferguson hopes for a miracle result at Stamford Bridge on ‘Grand Slam Sunday’.

“I feel I can still do the same job as I did 10 years ago – I’ve just got a few more wrinkles!”
’Oldenballs’ David Beckham on the prospect of winning his 100th England cap against France.

“When I was first in the squad he’d be practising his free-kicks, doing all these annoying things. I still can’t read those free-kicks – the lad’s very, very good.”
David James on Beckham’s annoying habits.

“I’m going to celebrate this win by going out with my wife – I haven’t taken her out for a few weeks!”
Kevin Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham – Keegan’s first win since his return to the club.

“Mr Coppell basically does nothing during training. He just walks about and looks at how committed every player is.”
Reading midfielder Marek Matejovsky is not impressed by his manager’s training techniques.

“I walk around and don’t do anything, do I? I’ve been a manager for 25 years yet amazingly people still employ me.”
Coppell hits back.

“Meeting David Beckham… I might take my autograph book!”
Middlesbrough’s David Wheater gets starry-eyed after earning his maiden call-up to the England squad.

“He comes in with these autograph books and asks players to sign. I say ‘Go away, I’m your colleague now’.”
Wheater’s team-mate George Boateng confirms the youngster is a serial offender.

“He deserves it. I haven’t seen him yet – I think he is on an open-top bus in Redcar.”
Wheater’s boss Gareth Southgate knows he won’t get carried away by the news.

“Ashley Cole’s tackle has got him into trouble again.”
Mark Saggers on 5 Live after Cole’s rash tackle on Alan Hutton.

“That was a good penalty, he just failed to hit the target.”
BBC co-commentator during the Dundee Utd-Rangers CIS Cup final penalty shoot-out.

“I must admit I suffered a bit when I first came to England. But then I realised that there was nothing to be intimidated by, everybody had two legs.”
Liverpool midfielder Lucas on settling in.

“Save them.”
Rangers keeper Alan McGregor when asked what his philosophy on penalties was before the CIS Cup final shoot-out with Dundee United.

“He’s caught Real Madrid with their white panties down here!”
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson at his finest after Valencia’s first goal against Real Madrid.

“I’m telling you man, this kid could be the best thing on two legs since Sophia Loren.”
Ray Hudson confuses Barca’s Borjan with a beautiful woman.

“It just hasn’t been our day this week.”
Steve Bruce on Wigan v Blackburn.

“Bolton are playing in all white – white shirts, white shorts and navy socks.”
Bolton v Wigan on 5 Live.

“He’s six-foot two, brave as a lion, strong as an ox and quick as lightning. If he was good looking, you’d say he has everything.”
Derby manager Paul Jewell on Cristiano Ronaldo.

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Chants of the Fans…

“You don’t know what you’re doing!”
Villa fans when someone said yes to their partner’s half-time marriage proposal.

“We got a corner!”
Southampton fans during the 5-0 defeat to Hull.

“We want the yellow ball!”
Aldershot fans after the yellow ball was replaced when the snow died down.

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go.”
Sung to Wycombe’s diminutive number nine Leon Knight by the Hereford fans.

“Get a proper job!”
Sheffield United fans give career advice to Barnsley’s mascot.

“Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we’re going to Shrewsbury!”
Luton Fans at Millwall regarding Luton’s impending relegation to League Two.

“You’re not scary anymore!”
Luton fans on the more family-orientated atmosphere at Millwall these days.

“You’re even worse than the weather!”
Crewe fans to Gillingham during their 3-0 win.

“You ****** our summer up!”
Pompey fans to Scott Carson, who was in goal for England’s defeat by Croatia.

“Does your livestock know you’re here?”
Colchester fans to Norwich.

“Does your mother bleach your hair?”
Plymouth fans to Watford Striker Darius Henderson during the 1-1 draw at Home Park.

“Your dad works for my dad! Your dad works for my dad! Nana naaa naa!”
University of Sheffield students to their Sheffield Hallam (Polytechnic) counterparts during the annual ‘Varsity’ matches.

“Can you hear us Dickie Dosh?!”
Walsall fans after manager Richard Money criticised the fans for not singing loudly enough.

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Stadium Announcement of the Week

“And the total attendance for todays game is 23.”
Cwmbran Town stadium announcement.

“Now it’s time for our “Hit the Steward competition.”
Stadium announcer at the half-time “hit the crossbar” competition during the Everton v Fiorentina Uefa cup match. The safest place to be was on the crossbar!

“And the scorer for Plymouth is number 36, Jermaine ‘have a nice’ Easter!”
Plymouth announcer after Jermaine Easter scored on Easter Saturday.

“If you want to know the half-time scores then you’ll have to read the scoreboard, as I’ve been asked by little Liam not to read them out as he wants to watch Match of the Day tonight.”
Stadium announcer at Ipswich v Charlton

Quotes and chants of the game…(March 19th, ‘08)

More or less stolen from the BBC Football Website…

“Whenever the players ask me about a bonus, I just tell them I don’t understand, that I’m a Yorkshireman.”
Barnsley chairman Gordon Shepherd plays up to the stereotype.

“Football is open for everybody, which is why they made a gay competition in South America. And look at women’s football: homosexuality is more popular there.”
Sepp Blatter tries to be all pc. Back to the drawing board, Sepp.

“I would have been doing a bit of ‘porridge’ myself!”
Roy Keane would have gone stir crazy if Blatter’s call for some tackles to be made a criminal offence had been in place when he was a player.

“I think it’s fair to say we’re an improving team and a team that’s getting better.”
Everton skipper Phil Neville after losing on penalties in the Uefa Cup.

“That’s 200 goals and 20 for this season – and he’s been doing that for 15 years.”
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray on Kevin Phillips. Ummm….wouldn’t that make 300 goals, Tony?

“…in front of 70,000 Mancunians. Well, some of them are.”
David Pleat, Man Utd v Lyon, confirming what we all already knew.

“This is not normal. He’s not normal, he never has been. He lives in the magnetic spectrum. What a goal this is. Beyond world-class. Astonishing. Cooler than a bomb disposal expert. That is amazing piece of football finishing by King Ronaldinho.”
GolTV’s Ray Hudson.

“When he sees it, I hope he holds his hand up.”
Bolton’s Kevin Nolan, commenting on Michael Brown’s dubious goal-line clearance for Wigan – with his hand!

“I haven’t seen so many grown men hugging and kissing since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the missus.”
Tom Ross on Birmingham’s BRMB radio, as Portsmouth did some team bonding at half-time in the game with Aston Villa.

“A player can’t choose which position he wants to play in. This is not a musical request show.”
Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld after Martin Demichelis refused to play in midfield.

“A Bolton player took a knock in the face – not sure who – could be Anneka Rice for all I know, we are so far away!”
5 Live’s Darren Fletcher is not happy with the distance from the press box to the pitch at Sporting Lisbon v Bolton Wanderers.

“Van Persie wouldn’t get his head on that because he was worried about ruining his good looks, but fair play to him, he is a very pretty lad.”
On Radio 5 Live, Wigan v Arsenal.

“It’s no longer a mountain to climb – it’s more like Mount Everest.”
ESPN commentator Tommy Smythe (Smith) after Inter go 3-0 down on aggregate against Liverpool – he just gets worse and worse…

“It would be easy to say that made all the difference – obviously it didn’t, but it did make a hell of a difference.”
Paul Jewell after losing Alan Stubbs to injury in Derby’s 6-1 defeat to Chelsea.

“I’m not looking for excuses but another 24 hours would have been nice to have prepared for the game.But that’s about the only excuse if I’m looking for excuses, which I’m not, but it was a factor.”
Brian Little making no excuses for Wrexham’s 2-1 defeat to Wycombe.

“Steven Gerrard has had so many special nights with Rafa Benitez.”
The Liverpool manager takes an alternative approach to firing up his players. Over-friendly, some might say.

“There was a chance, they cleared it and it was cleared.”
Another Paul Merson classic, just making sure we know that it was cleared.

“Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over.”
Graham Taylor commentating on 5 Live during Pompey game.

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CHANTS OF THE WEEK

“Where’s your dummy gone?”
Man City fans to Robbie Keane after the Spurs striker threw his shirt down following his substitution.

“Can we play you every week?”
Liverpool fans during their 3-0 aggregate win over Inter Milan.

“Sit Down Pinocchio!”
Villa fans to Gareth Southgate.

“Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh.
He comes from Norbury.
He parted the Red Sea.”
Crystal Palace fans to striker Victor Moses after his goal against West Brom.

“It’s just like watching Brazil!”
Bottom of the table, five consecutive defeats and 0-1 down, Colchester fans try to remain positive against Cardiff.

“Are you Chelsea in disguise?”
Barnsley fans while leading 4-1 against Ipswich.

“Shall we build a stand for you?”
Preston fans to Blackpool, who only have two stands.

“We can see you washing up!”
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road ground.

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STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

“Before we kick off for the second half, I have a very important announcement to make: ‘We’re the famous Cardiff City and we’re going to Wemberleeey. Wemberleeeey!!!Wemberleeeey!!!’”
Stadium announcer at the Cardiff City v Hull game.

“The substitute for Stockport will be…. (final whistle)….not made.”
Stockport announcer at Rochdale game.

Quotes, announcements, and chants…(March 12th, ‘08)

QUOTES OF THE GAME…

“When I heard the draw I was out on the golf course. I had an eight-iron in one hand and my mobile in the other. When we came out with United, my club went further than the ball.”

Redknapp was not very enthusiastic before the game that his Pompey team went out and won 1-0…

“I’ve got to agree with Arsene Wenger.”

The most extraordinary admission made by Sir Alex Ferguson during his lengthy post-match rant after the Portsmouth defeat.

“It was a strange moment. A month ago I was playing for West Brom reserves against Nottingham Forest at Kettering in front of a couple of people – actually it was just my dad and the pie-seller.”

Barnsley’s on-loan keeper Luke Steele gets set to play in front of his dad, the pie-seller and 80,000 others in the FA Cup semi-final.

“If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them – that’s my message.”

The Special One returns to announce an interesting plan for Chelsea.

“The only excuse is they have a rugby team that also plays on the pitch – unless the groundsman is sick?”

Life’s a pitch for Arsene Wenger following Arsenal’s 0-0 draw at boggy Wigan.

“Football is like fighting a gorilla – you don’t stop when you’re tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired.”

Coventry boss Chris Coleman after QPR’s defence makes a monkey of his strikers in their 0-0 draw.

“I feel for the fans today, paying good money and watching a load of crap.”

A forthright Alan Pardew following Charlton’s 2-1 home defeat by Preston.

“As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut.”

Gary Megson after the official’s poor showing at Bolton v Sporting.

“For Manchester United to get back into this game, it will be a tall order against a tall side who are well ordered.”

Martin Tyler after Pompey took the lead against Man U.

“There’s a few villages missing their idiots.”

Lawro on Match of the Day when some Barnsley fans ran on the pitch thinking the referee had blown the full-time whistle against Chelsea.

“The official has got his hand on Joe Jordan’s backside, but that seems to just be for familiarity.”

Alan Green on 5 Live commentary of the Manchester United v Portsmouth game.

“Before, the problem was tackling from behind, but now players are doing it from the front and from the side.”

Sepp Blatter on his ambitious plans to turn football into the World Indoor Bowls Championship.

“Not many teams can bring on Ronaldo and Rooney when they are 2-0 up.”

Setanta Sports commentary. Of course not!

“There’s nobody coming in from the left… except Ronaldinho.”

Commentator Archie MacPherson understating the threat, while commentating on Barcelona v Celtic.

“They’ve got a teletepathic, teletepathic, pathetic, well it’s not pathetic… oh just forget it.”

Graham Taylor, commentating on the AC Milan-Arsenal Champions League tie for 5 Live.

Reporter: “Other journalists have said Walsall were the best team they have seen here, would you agree?”
Walsall manager Richard Money: “I don’t know – this is the only game I have seen here!”

After Swindon-Walsall.

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STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

“And now the Olympiakos teamsheet…wish me luck!”
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic.

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CHANTS OF THE FANS…

“You’re just a small town in Belgium!”
Tottenham fans to the PSV Eindhoven supporters.

“You’re just a fat Annie Lennox!”
Spurs fans to Dean Ashton during the West Ham game.

“Andy Reid, He plays left wing, He loves McDonalds and Burger King!”
Sung by Sunderland fans at Derby (well, it was better than watching the game).

Quotes, announcements, and chants…(March 5th, ‘08)

Quotes of the Game

“If you are driving to work, don’t get into a car with Liam Miller because he gets involved in more car crashes than anybody I know.”…
Roy Keane puts Liam Miller on the transfer list after getting fed-up with his excuses for turning up late to training.

“Some of the Spurs players looked a bit legless.”…
Gary Lineker on Tottenham’s 4-1 defeat at Birmingham, following some much-publicised League Cup celebrations.

“I think it’s fair to say they were hungover.”
…Alan Shearer gets in on the act.

“It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time.”
…Sir Alex Ferguson, not bitter about Arsenal’s late-late equaliser against Aston Villa.

“If we treat the last 12 games any differently than we have the first 34, we will end up with our pants pulled down and our backsides slapped.”…
Stoke boss Tony Pulis gives his troops a bum rap after they beat Ipswich to stay top of the Championship. They lost their next two games.

“If I had said we were going to finish fifth in the Premier League a couple of years ago, you would all have thought I would end up in the nuthouse, wouldn’t you?”…
Harry Redknapp insists the notion of Portsmouth finishing fifth in the Premier League is not as crazy as it sounds.

“We’re still in the hat for all four competitions.”…
John Terry after the West Ham game, obviously forgetting what happened last Sunday.

“If you took the goals out of it, I think it was pretty even.”
…West Ham boss Alan Curbishley on Chelsea’s 4-0 hammering of the Hammers.

“It is not as if I turn up in a G-string; then they would have something to complain about.”
…Bury director Iain Mills on resigning from the board after complaints about him wearing shorts.

“We knew it wouldn’t be pretty, what with the state of the pitch and Paul Jewell coming back.”…
Steve Bruce on MOTD after Wigan’s win over Derby. Paul Jewell’s not that ugly, is he?!

“I don’t like losing. If you ask anyone who has been around me, I am probably one of the biggest losers.”…
Alan Stubbs of Derby – I think he meant worst losers.”

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Stadium Announcement of the Week

“There’s a mustard-coloured Peugeot in the car park, registration XXXXXXX. You’ve left your windows open. Chances are if your car is a mustard colour you want it nicked, but just to let you know.”…
Announcer before the Plymouth-Burnley match.

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Chants of the Fans…

“We all know Posh Spice, she likes a bit of rough. When she’s in bed with Beckham, she dreams of Michael Brough!”
…Forest Green Rovers chant to their skipper.

“What’s it like to have no Cox?”
…Swindon fans to Northampton after the Robins beat the Cobblers to the signing of Simon Cox.

“You should have stayed with your mothers!”
…QPR fans to Stoke during Rangers’ comprehensive win on Mother’s Day.

“Peter Halmosi, you’re the love of my life, Peter Halmosi, you can s*** my wife.”…
Plymouth fans after Halmosi’s second goal against Burnley.

“Can we play you every week?”…
What Garrison fans sing to Woolpack fans on the Scilly Isles, where they are the only two teams and play against each other 18 times a season.

“Earthquake survivors!”…
Grimsby fans at Morecambe on Saturday. Grimsby was near the epicentre of last week’s earthquake

“There’s only two Dave Kitsons!”…Villa fans to a red-headed Reading steward during the recent encounter at the Madjeski.

Setanta Sports – ya gotta laff…

“Arsenal are some 17 points clear now of Liverpool, but Liverpool do have a game in hand.”…

 – Setanta Sports “analysis”.

Sounds to me as if Liverpool fan and Setanta Sprats’ V.P. of Operations (U.S.A.), Shane O’Rourke, is still on the medications…