Claret & Light Blue v “Lawro” of The B.B.C. – Results – March 29th/30th

Results for March 29th/30th

A very good week indeed for both prognosticators with both myself and Lawro getting eight out of ten games correct. I falsely predicted a Derby home win against Fulham (2-2 draw) and he thought Reading would beat Blackburn (0-0) then we both, understandably I say, went for Spurs to beat Newcastle but they lost 1-4…Lawro also got two correct scores –Sunderland 2-1 vs West Ham and Derby 2-2 Fulham, whilst I got one – Portsmouth 2-0 against Wigan…

Overall Totals at this stage, after sixty matches, are…

Claret & Light Blue 31 correct results / 4 correct scores
“Lawro” of the BBC 34 correct results / 7 correct scores

Another Monday morning…(March 31st, ‘08)

Another Monday morning…

Derby 2-2 Fulham…Four goals – either flukey or badly defended, plenty of crap play = two teams we’ll not be watching in the Championship next season, although that’s where they’ll be playing…and they may not be back anytime soon…

Bolton 2-3 Arsenal… An exciting match with Bolton missing numerous half-chances to put the game away when already 2-0 up. Arsenal kept plugging away with ten men and you knew Wenger thought the sending off was harsh and was going to use that as his excuse but hopefully he saw the replay and would agree the tackle was a clear red card. Bolton may well go down by just a point and therefore the lead lost in this game may prove to be crucial.

Man U 4-0 Villa…Men against boys. Villa played their best game for a few weeks and were still well beaten. If they had played with this effort against Middlesbro’ and Sunderland they might still be in the hunt for a European spot but it’s too late now…Man U are the league’s best team by quite a way and the title is theirs surely…

Liverpool 1-0 Everton…Not a good game although Liverpool deserved the win based on their first half display and have now consolidated their position of 4th in the league. Some of Gerrard’s passes were superb, others not so. Everton missed Cahill and with Yokubu under par and even though they were better in the second half they rarely troubled Reina in the Reds’ goal. They seem certain to finish 5th and in Europe next season…

“Tottenham caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage to the Carling Cup at a post-final party, with the base broken when it was dropped while photographs were being taken. The cup is now at the Football League’s jewellers being repaired.” As reported in The Daily Express…

You’d think after all the “success” this club has had they would know how to behave when they win something…Come of it Spurs and your fans, if you’re going to make claims to being one of the top clubs then act as if you know what it’s like and behave accordingly when you actually do win something…

Claret & Light Blue v “Lawro” of The B.B.C. – March 29th/30th

Claret & Light Blue v “Lawro” of The B.B.C. – March 29th/30th

Here are our selections for this week…

BlueNoses v Man City Lawro: home win, 1-0 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Bolton v Arsenal Lawro; away win, 0-2 C & LB: away win, 1-2
Derby v Fulham Lawro: draw, 2-2 C & LB: home win, 2-1
Portsmouth v Wigan Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Reading v Blackburn Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: draw, 1-1
Sunderland v West Ham Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 1-0
Man U v Aston Villa Lawro: home win, 2-0 C & LB: home win, 3-0

Chelsea v Middlesbro’ Lawro: home win, 3-0 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Tottenham v Newcastle Lawro: home win, 3-1 C & LB: home win, 3-0
Liverpool v Everton Lawro: home win, 2-0 C & LB: home win, 2-1

Current standings…

Claret & Light Blue 23 correct results / 3 correct score
“Lawro” of the B.B.C. 26 correct results / 5 correct scores

Quotes and chants of the game…(March 26th, ‘08)

Quotes of the Game

“I think if we win and Arsenal and Chelsea lose, it will be a good day!”
Sir Alex Ferguson hopes for a miracle result at Stamford Bridge on ‘Grand Slam Sunday’.

“I feel I can still do the same job as I did 10 years ago – I’ve just got a few more wrinkles!”
’Oldenballs’ David Beckham on the prospect of winning his 100th England cap against France.

“When I was first in the squad he’d be practising his free-kicks, doing all these annoying things. I still can’t read those free-kicks – the lad’s very, very good.”
David James on Beckham’s annoying habits.

“I’m going to celebrate this win by going out with my wife – I haven’t taken her out for a few weeks!”
Kevin Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham – Keegan’s first win since his return to the club.

“Mr Coppell basically does nothing during training. He just walks about and looks at how committed every player is.”
Reading midfielder Marek Matejovsky is not impressed by his manager’s training techniques.

“I walk around and don’t do anything, do I? I’ve been a manager for 25 years yet amazingly people still employ me.”
Coppell hits back.

“Meeting David Beckham… I might take my autograph book!”
Middlesbrough’s David Wheater gets starry-eyed after earning his maiden call-up to the England squad.

“He comes in with these autograph books and asks players to sign. I say ‘Go away, I’m your colleague now’.”
Wheater’s team-mate George Boateng confirms the youngster is a serial offender.

“He deserves it. I haven’t seen him yet – I think he is on an open-top bus in Redcar.”
Wheater’s boss Gareth Southgate knows he won’t get carried away by the news.

“Ashley Cole’s tackle has got him into trouble again.”
Mark Saggers on 5 Live after Cole’s rash tackle on Alan Hutton.

“That was a good penalty, he just failed to hit the target.”
BBC co-commentator during the Dundee Utd-Rangers CIS Cup final penalty shoot-out.

“I must admit I suffered a bit when I first came to England. But then I realised that there was nothing to be intimidated by, everybody had two legs.”
Liverpool midfielder Lucas on settling in.

“Save them.”
Rangers keeper Alan McGregor when asked what his philosophy on penalties was before the CIS Cup final shoot-out with Dundee United.

“He’s caught Real Madrid with their white panties down here!”
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson at his finest after Valencia’s first goal against Real Madrid.

“I’m telling you man, this kid could be the best thing on two legs since Sophia Loren.”
Ray Hudson confuses Barca’s Borjan with a beautiful woman.

“It just hasn’t been our day this week.”
Steve Bruce on Wigan v Blackburn.

“Bolton are playing in all white – white shirts, white shorts and navy socks.”
Bolton v Wigan on 5 Live.

“He’s six-foot two, brave as a lion, strong as an ox and quick as lightning. If he was good looking, you’d say he has everything.”
Derby manager Paul Jewell on Cristiano Ronaldo.

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Chants of the Fans…

“You don’t know what you’re doing!”
Villa fans when someone said yes to their partner’s half-time marriage proposal.

“We got a corner!”
Southampton fans during the 5-0 defeat to Hull.

“We want the yellow ball!”
Aldershot fans after the yellow ball was replaced when the snow died down.

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go.”
Sung to Wycombe’s diminutive number nine Leon Knight by the Hereford fans.

“Get a proper job!”
Sheffield United fans give career advice to Barnsley’s mascot.

“Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we’re going to Shrewsbury!”
Luton Fans at Millwall regarding Luton’s impending relegation to League Two.

“You’re not scary anymore!”
Luton fans on the more family-orientated atmosphere at Millwall these days.

“You’re even worse than the weather!”
Crewe fans to Gillingham during their 3-0 win.

“You ****** our summer up!”
Pompey fans to Scott Carson, who was in goal for England’s defeat by Croatia.

“Does your livestock know you’re here?”
Colchester fans to Norwich.

“Does your mother bleach your hair?”
Plymouth fans to Watford Striker Darius Henderson during the 1-1 draw at Home Park.

“Your dad works for my dad! Your dad works for my dad! Nana naaa naa!”
University of Sheffield students to their Sheffield Hallam (Polytechnic) counterparts during the annual ‘Varsity’ matches.

“Can you hear us Dickie Dosh?!”
Walsall fans after manager Richard Money criticised the fans for not singing loudly enough.

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Stadium Announcement of the Week

“And the total attendance for todays game is 23.”
Cwmbran Town stadium announcement.

“Now it’s time for our “Hit the Steward competition.”
Stadium announcer at the half-time “hit the crossbar” competition during the Everton v Fiorentina Uefa cup match. The safest place to be was on the crossbar!

“And the scorer for Plymouth is number 36, Jermaine ‘have a nice’ Easter!”
Plymouth announcer after Jermaine Easter scored on Easter Saturday.

“If you want to know the half-time scores then you’ll have to read the scoreboard, as I’ve been asked by little Liam not to read them out as he wants to watch Match of the Day tonight.”
Stadium announcer at Ipswich v Charlton

Fan of the Week – March 24th, ‘08…

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One of the scallywag Red Scousers has drowned his sorrows following his team’s defeat at Old Trafford, and then decided to turn the other cheek on what was yet another loss to their arch-rivals – that’s five in a row…

Claret & Light Blue v “Lawro” of The B.B.C. – March 22nd/23rd

Results for March 22nd/23rd

A decent week for both prognosticators with Lawro edging me out 6-5, following Chelsea’s two late goals in their 2-1 win against the Arse. We were both wrong on the Villa /Sunderland game and Everton/West Ham draw, while Lawro was correct on the Bolton/Man City draw and Tottenham win and I came in on the Newcastle and Man U victories…Lawro also got one correct score – Reading 2-1 BlueNoses…

Overall Totals at this stage, after fifty matches, are…

Claret & Light Blue 23 correct results / 3 correct scores
“Lawro 26 correct results / 5 correct scores

Another Monday morning…(March 24th, ‘08)

Villa 0-1 Sunderland…An awful game, a fact which probably doesn’t concern Roy Keane and Sunderland who secured three vital points in their fight against relegation. Villa were dreadful. Lacking any flair or creativity, and with the effort of certain players in question, they seem to be on their summer holidays already. They may well finish as low as 9th after a season which until quite recently saw them on the edge of European qualification. The recent losses to Fulham and Sunderland, and a home draw with Middlesbro’, are ugly blots on Martin O’Neil’s previously spotless copy book. The purchase of Knight and Davies coupled with the sale of Cahill to Bolton have left a porous central defense and there hasn’t been a true right back all year. Meanwhile Carson in goal has gone from arguably England’s best to a player who should be playing in the reserves in record time…All this, and the match against the BlueNoses is only four weeks away!!!

Newcastle 2-0 Fulham…Finally, a win for the “Messiah”! They deserved it against a poor and ineffective Fulham who are now probably doomed. Hopefully Keegan will not act as if he has won the League and get all smug with his detractors. He has been a disappointment and his side are a bottom-half team no matter what your friendly neighbourhood Geordie may say…

Man U 3-0 Liverpool…The best team won and not just because Mascherrano had a bit of an “Argie” moment and left his teammates to fight on with ten men. United were the better team prior to the sending-off and Reina had kept them in it to that point. The Champions now look very likely to retain the trophy and Liverpool are left to rue a mid-season slump, some managerial errors, and yet another season of under-performing in the domestic competitions…

I had to chuckle….Chelsea captain John Terry says he would back plans to stamp out the hounding of referees. Terry was speaking in light of criticism directed towards Chelsea for their disrespectful behaviour towards Mike Riley on Wednesday night. It was the latest in a series of incidents which have led for calls to introduce new rules that would only allow captains to speak to referees…And this comes from the finest Ref Molester in the Premiership. How ironic, eh!? Surely the ref of a Chelsea game would rather be confronted by any of the Pensioners other than an angry, grimacing, threatening, and incensed John Terry…

So the England strikers for this week’s friendly against France are Rooney – not scoring but playing really well, Owen – not playing well but scoring, and Crouch and Walcott – neither are playing nor scoring for their clubs…It’s all a little troubling. With Villa’s Agbonlahor and Young, Alan Smith, and Darren Bent all out of form and Jermaine Defoe and Andrew Johnson consistently inconsistent, it is a mess. I suppose Rooney and Owen at their best are a good partnership but that rarely happens and so, with the strength of the team being in midfield, perhaps the 4-1-4-1 formation is the best option…

For me it’s James in goal (I can’t beieve I just wrote that); a back four of Johnson, Terry, Ferdinand, and Bridge…Barry in the holding role…Across the middle, I’d go with Bentley, Gerrard, Lampard, and Cole, with Rooney up front…Of course Beckham will get his 100th cap – and I’m fine with that…Much of which I am not convinced about!

Claret & Light Blue v “Lawro” of The B.B.C. – March 22nd – 23rd

Here are our selections for this week…

Tottenham v Portsmouth Lawro: home win, 1-0 C & LB: draw, 1-1
Aston Villa v Sunderland Lawro; home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Blackburn v Wigan Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Bolton v Man City Lawro: draw, 1-1 C & LB: home win, 1-0
Middlesbro’ v Derby Lawro: home win, 2-0 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Newcastle v Fulham Lawro: draw, 1-1 C & LB: home win, 2-1
Reading v Birmingham Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 1-0
Everton v West Ham Lawro: home win, 2-1 C & LB: home win, 1-0

Man Utd v Liverpool Lawro: draw, 1-1 C & LB: home win, 2-0
Chelsea v Arsenal Lawro: home win, 1-0 C & LB: draw, 1-1

Current standings…

Claret & Light Blue 18 correct results / 3 correct score
“Lawro” of the B.B.C. 20 correct results / 4 correct scores

More on the relegation battle…

I was afraid my predition of the BlueNoses to go down was more a selection of the heart and soul rather than anything else. It’s comforting to find other, far more impartial, prognosticators agree…Read on

That sinking feeling
by Dale Johnson, Soccernet Article…Thanks to Paul B Jr for sending this in…

Fulham’s battling victory over Everton at the weekend breathed new life into their bid to extend their Premier League shelf-life into an eighth season. Jimmy Bullard’s return has given Fulham a chance of staying up
Many had begun to consider Fulham as dead in the water. Roy Hodgson failed to wave an instantly effective magic wand after taking over from the hapless Lawrie Sanchez. Is a real possibility that he could ‘do a Curbishley’ and drag a club from almost certain relegation to safety?

With Derby County long since doomed, it looks to be two from eight. What sets the bottom four clubs apart from other strugglers is their form on the road. Derby, Fulham, Bolton and Sunderland have won only one of a possible 58 away matches between them. The other five clubs boast nine away wins between them. In all likelihood, teams such as Fulham are going to have to win on the road at some point if they are to maintain a realistic hope of staying in the top division. It could be that 38 points may well see a team safe.

Here we take a club-by-club look at those in trouble with eight games remaining.

Wigan Athletic – 12th – 31 points

Wigan would be about level with Derby now had they stuck with Chris Hutchings as manager. It was one of the most glaring ‘doomed to failure’ appointments in years. Apart from Les Reed, of course. With Steve Bruce back at the helm, Wigan have been a much tougher proposition and look an organised unit. Dropping Titus Bramble has certainly helped. With the error-prone former Newcastle defender in their side they won five out of 25 Premier League games and latterly lost three games on the bounce. Since Bramble was left out, Wigan have played five won three, drawn two and have not conceded a single goal. It’s no coincidence. Victory over Bolton at the weekend was crucial and provided breathing space. Wigan’s away form is poor so much will rely on performances at the JJB. Unbeaten in four matches with an unblemished defensive record, a trip to face the Latics is no longer easy pickings. With Birmingham, Tottenham and Reading still to make the trip they will hope to gain the points required from those matches before Manchester United visit on the final day. Having a fully fit squad helps too, They should be in the division in 2008/09.

Middlesbrough – 13th – 31 points

Though still far from safe for this season, Gareth Southgate’s team will surely have enough to avoid the drop. With three wins on the road they are the best travellers in the bottom half of the division and underlined that with a draw at Arsenal last weekend. Boro have struggled to find consistency for much of the season with a dip in form just as they seemed to be pulling clear. But the Teesside club have clearly improved and are a far better side than the one which found life hard in the opening months. Afonso Alves will be concentrating of fitness work over the remaining matches and Southgate will not expect the £12million-man to make a real impression until next season. That means Tuncay Sanli and Jeremie Aliadiere will have to continue sharing the goals alongside Stewart Downing, who has enjoyed his most productive season to date. Boro, also free of injuries, will expect to move to the brink of safety when they host Derby at the weekend and they need to improve a home record. Only the Rams have fewer victories on their own turf. If they fail to beat Derby then they could be sucked back in with back-to-back games against Chelsea and Manchester United to follow. The matches against Bolton and at Sunderland will also be crucial but Boro should have not real worries.

Newcastle – 14th – 29 points

The draw at Birmingham left Kevin Keegan with plenty of positives despite ‘the Messiah’ still waiting to record a victory following his return from a circus. The second-half display showed that Newcastle retain fire in their bellies and are willing to scrap to stay in the division. Of course, they need to produce this on a regular basis or else they will be in dire straits. The problem is clear, and it has been for years. Only Derby have conceded more goals and have a worse goal difference than the Magpies. James Milner, Emre, Steven Carr and Shay Given remain on the treatment table and Keegan needs them all back as soon as possible. At least he has Mark Viduka fit again – for now. With away games against Tottenham, Portsmouth, West Ham and Everton on the horizon there cannot be much confidence of adding to the nine points they have picked up on the road. Maybe the raft of ex-Newcastle players at Upton Park can help them out. Newcastle’s future will rest on the next three home matches as they host fellow strugglers Fulham, Reading and then Sunderland in what promises to be an electric north east derby. Their final home match is against Chelsea. If Newcastle do not win at least two of those huge six pointers at St James’ Park they will be doomed. But do they have the stomach for the fight?

Reading – 15th – 28 points

The Royals looked to be in freefall when they slumped to a club record eighth successive league defeat at home to Aston Villa at the end of February. But back-to-back wins against Middlesbrough (their first away from home this term) and Manchester City have raised their hopes. Steve Coppell’s strikers have let him down badly this term. Leroy Lita (7 goals 2006/07) has been loaned out to Charlton while Kevin Doyle (13) has scored only five goals and last scored on December 8 – his only strike in four and a half months. Reading are another side who rely heavily on their home form – they’ve only picked up six points on the road and, much like Newcastle, they still have to host their relegation rivals. Birmingham make the trip at the weekend with Fulham to follow on April 12. They must win both of those matches to end any doubts about a third season in the Premier League. Only two of their remaining games are against sides from the top half – at home to Blackburn and away to Arsenal. With a trip to Derby on the final day, at least Reading can be safe in the knowledge that should they need something going into the last round of games they can barely have been handed an easier fixture.

Birmingham – 16th – 27 points

Blues had a real chance to send out a statement by beating Newcastle but in the event they froze. Another home game has gone and Alex McLeish must see it as a missed opportunity. In James McFadden, McLeish probably made one of the signings of the recent transfer window. He’s netted four goals in six starts since being signed from Everton in January. His form will be the difference between the club staying up or making a swift return to the Championship. With just four home wins this term, McLeish is going to have to find a way of winning at St Andrew’s. And with travelsick Manchester City next to make the trip they have a real opportunity to pick up three points. But Blues’ greatest test will come on the road with three of their four remaining away games. They must go to Reading, Wigan and Fulham. Such is the nature of six pointers, they have to win at least one of these matches. Losing Sebastian Larsson to a knee injury is a significant blow. They must hope he is not out for the season. Oliver Kapo’s return is required too. McLeish faces a real fight to keep Blues up with such challenging and important away games. Unless they start winning at home, it could be they that join Derby in the second tier. Everton, Liverpool and Blackburn are their final three home matches and that looks troublesome.

Sunderland – 17th – 27 points

Another team over-reliant on their home form, Sunderland have managed just three points – all in draws – away from the Stadium of Light. If they’d just managed a couple of victories, like Newcastle and Birmingham, they would be almost clear of the scrap. As it is they cannot buy a win on the road. With seven home wins their record is formidable and with difficult games against Chelsea and Everton now in the past they will look to the matches against West Ham, Man City and Middlesbrough for most of their points for safety. They will also hope Arsenal visit the Stadium of Light on the final day without points being a necessity. After Villa at the weekend, Sunderland’s remaining away games are crucial ones at Fulham, Newcastle and Bolton with that final meeting at the Reebok surely central to both team’s hopes. Roy Keane, with only one win in six, badly needs Kenwyne Jones to rediscover his form with only one goal – that coming at Christmas – since the end of October. But no striker has more assists this season (10 in Sunderland’s 26 goals) than the Trinidad & Tobago international so while he is not scoring he remains a highly useful weapon.

Bolton Wanderers – 18th – 25 points

Jussi Jaaskelainen’s injury leaves Bolton short of experience between the sticks
Last weekend’s defeat at ten-man Wigan was a huge blow for the Trotters, who had rested all their star names from their UEFA Cup run in readiness for the match. And now Gary Megson finds his team very much in the mire and two points adrift of the safety zone. The loss of experienced goalkeeper Jussi Jasskelainen for the remainder of the season with a back injury is a real blow and they will have to rely on the unknown quantity that is Oman international keeper Ali Al Habsi. That comes on the back of terrible form for Bolton. Four successive defeats, and one win in eight, has sent them back down the table after an initially encouraging set of results after Megson took charge. There’s no doubt that Bolton have some quality players in their squad. Kevin Nolan, Kevin Davies, El Hadji Diouf and Matthew Taylor are all capable of winning matches. But whether they have the players to roll their sleeves up for a scrap is another question – probably for Diouf more than any other. And considering Megson’s negative tactics, does he have it within him as a manager to win enough of the deciding games? Bolton’s game in hand is at Old Trafford almost renders it worthless, and with other away games at Aston Villa, Middlesbrough, Tottenham and Chelsea they have a difficult run-in. Much will rest on their home form. Manchester City, poor on their travels, have to go to the Reebok along with Arsenal, West Ham and, last of all, a six-pointer against Sunderland on the penultimate weekend. With the 10-goal Nicolas Anelka not replaced, the goals have dried up, just seven being scored in the 11 games since Christmas. And there’s little sign of where they will now come from.

Fulham – 19th – 23 points

The victory over Everton has given Fulham fans some hope of staying in the Premier League. But with only eight games left it still means they will need five victories to be sure of safety. It’s difficult to see this collection of players being able to produce that form. Fulham do not have a Carlos Tevez to work wonders. What is in the Cottagers favour is that five of the remaining games are against relegation rivals. They have the ability to stop others scoring points while they climb upwards. Brian McBride’s return to fitness has been a huge boost as he is the only striker they have who is able to effectively lead the line. Earlier in the season they were forced to play Clint Dempsey as a forward. And in Jimmy Bullard they now have a player who is able to orchestrate moves and change a game. Fulham’s atrocious away form has been well documented. They have not won on their travels in the Premier League since a 2-1 success at Newcastle way back in September 2006. And with Fulham making that same trip this weekend they will be desperate for a repeat performance. The game at St James’ has huge significance. It could give Keegan his first win and put Newcastle in a strong position. Or it could push Fulham closer to the pack and drag the Magpies right into it. Fulham have to entertain Sunderland, Liverpool and Birmingham. But five of their games are away from home which gives added importance to an improvement in that form. After Newcastle, they go to Derby, Reading, Manchester City and Portsmouth on the final day.

Realistically it’s going to take a horrendous run of form for Wigan or Middlesbrough now to be relegated. With the fixtures they have and the points already on the table it would appear they should have enough to be safe. Fulham, on the other hand, look to have too much to do even if they do meet five of their rivals. They must go from failing to win away for 19-and-a-half months to picking up two or three in the run-in. It just does not seem to be feasible. That leaves one place between Bolton, Newcastle, Birmingham and Sunderland. Bolton might just have enough quality to claw their way up but it will be close. And Sunderland’s home form should be able to push them to safety. Kevin Keegan has three massive matches at St James’ against relegation rivals and that will seal their fate. Defeat to Fulham (the Cottagers have won two and drawn the other of the last three in the north east) at the weekend will put immense pressure on the team and it’s still not certain they’ll be able to handle it. Birmingham could well be the team to go. They have crucial six-pointers away from home and all four remaining home games are against teams in the top half of the table.

To be relegated: Derby, Fulham, Birmingham. Bolton and Newcastle just survive.

Quotes and chants of the game…(March 19th, ‘08)

More or less stolen from the BBC Football Website…

“Whenever the players ask me about a bonus, I just tell them I don’t understand, that I’m a Yorkshireman.”
Barnsley chairman Gordon Shepherd plays up to the stereotype.

“Football is open for everybody, which is why they made a gay competition in South America. And look at women’s football: homosexuality is more popular there.”
Sepp Blatter tries to be all pc. Back to the drawing board, Sepp.

“I would have been doing a bit of ‘porridge’ myself!”
Roy Keane would have gone stir crazy if Blatter’s call for some tackles to be made a criminal offence had been in place when he was a player.

“I think it’s fair to say we’re an improving team and a team that’s getting better.”
Everton skipper Phil Neville after losing on penalties in the Uefa Cup.

“That’s 200 goals and 20 for this season – and he’s been doing that for 15 years.”
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray on Kevin Phillips. Ummm….wouldn’t that make 300 goals, Tony?

“…in front of 70,000 Mancunians. Well, some of them are.”
David Pleat, Man Utd v Lyon, confirming what we all already knew.

“This is not normal. He’s not normal, he never has been. He lives in the magnetic spectrum. What a goal this is. Beyond world-class. Astonishing. Cooler than a bomb disposal expert. That is amazing piece of football finishing by King Ronaldinho.”
GolTV’s Ray Hudson.

“When he sees it, I hope he holds his hand up.”
Bolton’s Kevin Nolan, commenting on Michael Brown’s dubious goal-line clearance for Wigan – with his hand!

“I haven’t seen so many grown men hugging and kissing since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the missus.”
Tom Ross on Birmingham’s BRMB radio, as Portsmouth did some team bonding at half-time in the game with Aston Villa.

“A player can’t choose which position he wants to play in. This is not a musical request show.”
Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld after Martin Demichelis refused to play in midfield.

“A Bolton player took a knock in the face – not sure who – could be Anneka Rice for all I know, we are so far away!”
5 Live’s Darren Fletcher is not happy with the distance from the press box to the pitch at Sporting Lisbon v Bolton Wanderers.

“Van Persie wouldn’t get his head on that because he was worried about ruining his good looks, but fair play to him, he is a very pretty lad.”
On Radio 5 Live, Wigan v Arsenal.

“It’s no longer a mountain to climb – it’s more like Mount Everest.”
ESPN commentator Tommy Smythe (Smith) after Inter go 3-0 down on aggregate against Liverpool – he just gets worse and worse…

“It would be easy to say that made all the difference – obviously it didn’t, but it did make a hell of a difference.”
Paul Jewell after losing Alan Stubbs to injury in Derby’s 6-1 defeat to Chelsea.

“I’m not looking for excuses but another 24 hours would have been nice to have prepared for the game.But that’s about the only excuse if I’m looking for excuses, which I’m not, but it was a factor.”
Brian Little making no excuses for Wrexham’s 2-1 defeat to Wycombe.

“Steven Gerrard has had so many special nights with Rafa Benitez.”
The Liverpool manager takes an alternative approach to firing up his players. Over-friendly, some might say.

“There was a chance, they cleared it and it was cleared.”
Another Paul Merson classic, just making sure we know that it was cleared.

“Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over.”
Graham Taylor commentating on 5 Live during Pompey game.

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CHANTS OF THE WEEK

“Where’s your dummy gone?”
Man City fans to Robbie Keane after the Spurs striker threw his shirt down following his substitution.

“Can we play you every week?”
Liverpool fans during their 3-0 aggregate win over Inter Milan.

“Sit Down Pinocchio!”
Villa fans to Gareth Southgate.

“Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh.
He comes from Norbury.
He parted the Red Sea.”
Crystal Palace fans to striker Victor Moses after his goal against West Brom.

“It’s just like watching Brazil!”
Bottom of the table, five consecutive defeats and 0-1 down, Colchester fans try to remain positive against Cardiff.

“Are you Chelsea in disguise?”
Barnsley fans while leading 4-1 against Ipswich.

“Shall we build a stand for you?”
Preston fans to Blackpool, who only have two stands.

“We can see you washing up!”
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient’s Brisbane Road ground.

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STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

“Before we kick off for the second half, I have a very important announcement to make: ‘We’re the famous Cardiff City and we’re going to Wemberleeey. Wemberleeeey!!!Wemberleeeey!!!’”
Stadium announcer at the Cardiff City v Hull game.

“The substitute for Stockport will be…. (final whistle)….not made.”
Stockport announcer at Rochdale game.